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Featured
Those kinds of people
Those kinds of people
Courage
Courage
Tanzania
Tanzania
Easter
Easter
Not fair
Not fair
Do you remember...
Do you remember...
Remember and Celebrate
Remember and Celebrate
Breakdown
Breakdown
Rest
Rest
Safe Places
Safe Places
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For the past several weeks I have been going into work at an office space in town. I am making something that feels really different for me. I am proud of it and excited to share, but it’s not quite ready yet. . . In the process, I’ve been thinking about the idea of making things… and how each of us have such different perspectives on what is beautiful, helpful, important, motivating, etc. How bright and wonderful would the word be if we all made things that reflected those unique interests? It’s easy to believe that some of us aren’t cut out for “making” - but I don’t think that is true. People die every day with beautiful ideas that never saw the light of day. Make the thing.
I wrote about this on instagram stories and it resonated with lots of people. I decided to elaborate and bring it over to the main feed. . On Monday all the kids were out of school for the Queen’s Birthday. I was having a hard day - stuck in my head, looping around and around with the same thoughts. I talked about the rigid rules I’ve set for my self about getting out of the house on days like this. I know my proclivity towards anxiety and depression, getting out and doing things is an important habit that keeps me sane. . . We took some friends to the beach and had a fun day… but I was nasty and short with my kids and far less loving and kind than I had hoped to be. Honestly, the best part of the day was being done and getting back in bed. . I talked about the nine months we spent in Walhalla, South Carolina before and after my dad died. We lived 20 minutes from my mom, Ben was commuting to Delaware (two weeks on two weeks off), I was homeschooling our kids and we didn’t know what we were going to do next. We didn’t have any friends in town and I was lonely. I wasn’t being honest (with myself or others) about how bad I was doing. I was not well. . . I screamed at the kids, cried in the bathroom and wasn’t sure how I was going to make it to the next season.  Almost every night for nine months, I went to bed feeling like a failure. . . I stopped taking pictures and writing notes, because I was chronically unable to meet my own expectations. I learned about humility and grace in those nine months - both of which I needed. . . This is the part that resonated with so many people… kids are resilient, things will get better, you are doing a great job, keep up the hard work. Sometimes we need to hear those words and believe that they are true. . . I wish I hadn’t stopped taking pictures in July of 2015, because I know that in the midst of all the heartache and disappointment there were small beautiful moments that kept us moving along.
Yesterday I took the big kids to Auckland to hear Jane Goodall speak. We arrived a little before 5:00 and walked to the harbor. We found a restaurant near the venue and sat outside with blankets. We waited and waited for our food and finally realized that our waitress had forgotten to put in our order. We were only a couple minutes from the venue so we scarfed down our pizza when it arrived and walked the the theater with about 15 minutes to spare. . . When we arrived, the lights were off and the doors were locked. I quickly looked at the tickets and realized it was a 20 minutes walk to the actual location. We started running. Max saw a bike taxi, we hopped on and made it just in time. I never would have considered paying for that service under different circumstances, but it ended up being a major highlight for the kids. . . Jane Goodall is an 85 years old women who travels 300 days out of the year sharing her life and talking about her passion. One of my favorite parts of the talk was hearing about the profound impact her mother had on her life - how countercultural it was for her to support Jane in the way that she did - encouraging her to live so fully into her calling, she was radical and ahead of her time. (Jane - the documentary is now on Netflix - it’s fascinating.) . It was 10:45 when we left the theater. I found a Thai rolled ice cream shop that was open until midnight. The shop ended up being on a street with lots of bars and night clubs. There were several groups of people cross-dressed - some with bloody make-up, crazy clothes, tall heels, wild hair, loud and drunk. The kids were visibly nervous about what they were seeing for the first time. . . I told them my trick for when I feel scared about people that seem really different. I remember that we were all little kids at one point. We played on playgrounds, swam in pools, and drew chalk on sidewalks. I remember that people are people, we want the same things and we aren’t that different. . . We got our ice cream and walked back to the hotel. On the way we talked about how much Jesus loved being with those kinds of people - he went to their homes for dinner.
Ben and I got to baptize Maggie at our church today. It was a special day. It’s been a gift being a part of this community. I am thankful for all the ways we are changing and growing. Thanks for being great pastors and great friends Karen and JP. We love you all so much. Bruno - thanks for the great photos.
Courage is grace under pressure - Ernest Hemingway . . I want to take a minutes to celebrate my mom and sister for their extraordinary endurance, unwavering patience and delightful good humor. Their courage in the face of chaos was a beacon in the dark, lice infested, night. . . At five o’clock on the night before our two week road trip, one of my kids walked into the kitchen and said words that made me shiver. “Mom, my head is itchy.” Everything stopped. . . I wasn’t finished packing and we needed to be in the car by 5:30 am to catch the afternoon ferry in Wellington. I went to the pharmacy for lice treatment, my sister laid tarps on the kitchen floor and started cutting hair and my mom poured whisky. We finished washing, combing, cutting and picking close to midnight. . By some miraculous stroke of luck, the nine of us pulled out of the driveway on time. We were just outside of Palmerston North when the check engine light went on and our van went into “limp mode”. We stopped at a Toyota dealership and spent three hours in their (notably comfortable) waiting room. The van got a thorough inspection, it was safe to drive, but the part needed was unavailable. We drove the entire South Island in “limp mode” with the check engine light on. . . We missed our ferry and had to take one that departed at 2:30 am. We got two hotel rooms in Lower Hutt. I got my hair cut at the mall across the street and all of Max’s birthday dreams came true when Ben rented electric scooters in the park. We slept four hours (despite the best efforts of a loud talking parrot in the lobby), took a three hour ferry and drove two hours to Kaikoura where we saw baby seals playing at Half Moon Bay. . For the past five years, I’ve watched my mom and sister “do what needs to be done” with smiles and well timed jokes… but also with angry tears, honest words and heavy fearful hearts. I am thankful for all they’ve taught me about courage - the kind that is grace under pressure and the kind that looks more like a dumpster fire. Both are good and important. Happy Mother’s to two of the most courageous women I know. . #courage #grace
Yesterday on facebook, I saw a video of Jane Goodall releasing a rehabilitated chimpanzee back into the wild. It brought back a flood of memories. . . In 2004, Ben and I spent three months in Kigoma, Tanzania. At the time, Kigoma was home for refugees from war torn countries like Rwanda, Congo and Burundi. The Baptist Mission Hospital had lost funding and was no longer operational. Ben (a medical student) worked at a clinic and I worked on a (unsuccessful) fundraising plan for the hospital. . Kigoma sits on Lake Tanganyika (the second largest & deepest lake in the world) and is about 15 minutes from Ujiji - famed for being the place where Stanley and Livingstone met in 1871 “Dr. Livingstone, I presume?” . . Ujiji was also the start point for the “The Central Route” - one of three main paths in the East African slave trade. Less than 150 years ago, African men, women, boys and girls were chained to the mango trees that lined the road out of town, where they began an almost 800 mile journey to Bagamoyo. From there, they took ships to Zanzibar Island - where they were sold at auction. Stone Town was one of the last open slave markets in the 19th century - but according to @ijm there are still 40 million modern day slaves around the world. . Gombe Stream National Park is another point of interest on the Western edge of Tanzania. Towards then end of our time in Kigoma, Ben and I took a very inexpensive form of public transportation three hours up shore to the most remote place that I will probably ever be. Our water taxi was piled high with people, produce, farm animals and a wide variety of other things. The driver steered from the back, wearing a Saddam Hussein t-shirt and smoking a cigarette with his feet resting comfortably on a gigantic tank of gasoline. There were no life jackets or safety announcements. . The research center at Gombe Stream National Park was Jane Goodall’s home for fifteen years. It felt like hallowed ground. We hiked deep into the jungle and followed a family of chimpanzees for several hours. It was a profoundly moving experience. . My time in Tanzania made me feel small - in the best and worst ways. . #janegoodall @janegoodallinst
In the same way that it is difficult to fully appreciate a person without understanding their story... I think it’s hard to care about the environment without being well acquainted with its beauty. . #noteddetails #earthday #alittleheavyhandedjonah #travel #beauty #roadtrips #newzealand
When I was seventeen years old I heard about Jesus in way that felt fresh and new. Up until that point, I couldn’t see how faith or religion could align with what I wanted for my life. Those things felt cold and looked grey. . . I envisioned a big, bright adventure... I wanted to grab the world and eat it up - see beautiful things, meet interesting people and do everything that made me feel alive and free. . For the past two decades I’ve wrestled with lots of doubts... but none of them have to do with what I know is true of Jesus. He is completely different than many of us have been fooled to believe. He loves people, without qualification. . Three cheers for Jesus on this beautiful Easter in New Zealand.
This is too good not to have it’s own post. I love doing stupid things with @maggiejboggs. In the wise words of Daniel Tiger “Try try try try try it again. Try try try try try it again. Keep trying, you'll get better. Try try try.” . . #noteddetails #keeptrying #youllgetbetter” #try #something #new #danieltiger
Our family takes road trips to try new things, see beautiful places, and have conversations that start and stop for days. Things go wrong and it’s almost always more work than I think it will be. But we love the rhythms and rituals of car travel and the all the ways it brings us together. . . When I was a kid, our family took lots of road trips. As a parent, it has been one of my favorite things to share with my own kids. This is a special trip, because we are doing it with my mom, sister and niece. I wish my dad and Joe could be here with us. They would have been happy seeing us all together. . . I am talking about our South Island road trip on my Instagram stories (the little grey circle below my profile on Instagram). I am also talking about my packing process - which has become more specific and involved over the years (brown circle on Instagram stories). . . One more noted detail... there is almost nothing I love more than doing stupid things with my sister. When I fall, she laughs harder and louder than anyone. It’s (almost) always worth the pain. Doing stupid things with @maggiejboggs in New Zealand... it doesn’t get much better than that. Also, I have a teenager... and that is crazier than my acrobatics. . . #noteddetails #roadtrips #packing #travelwithkids #travel #newthings #beautifulplaces #remember #celebrate #sisters #teenager #marriage #communication
When we lived here in 2013, on lazy days there was nothing more exciting than a trip to Rainbow Springs. We had an annual membership and went often after school and on the weekends. I thought we might have outgrown it, but it was the first place the kids wanted to take their cousin this weekend. . The park has a beautiful trail where you can learn about native plants and animals and see the National Kiwi hatchery. At the end of the trail there is a cafe and a playground, where parents can get a nice cup of coffee, and kids can burn off steam. . . The highlight of the Rainbow Springs experience is The Big Splash - a ride that takes you on a “journey back through New Zealand history”, before your wooden boat splashes down a gigantic waterfall. The ride takes less than ten minutes and there is almost never a line. You can “hypothetically” ride it for hours without getting off… which is exactly what we did on Saturday. Learning how to do the same thing over and over again (without loosing your mind) is the name of the parenting game. My mom is a master. She can make almost anything a fun for kids. . . There weren’t enough adults to ride with the short kids so my mom and I stayed on the ride and the older kids took turns on the playground with one of the little kids. When the log rolled around, we would swap kids and keep moving. . . At the end of the day everyone had ridden at least 7 or 8 times. One of my kids was angry that they didn’t get as many turns as everyone else. I took that child on one last ride… to make things fair. . . On that last run, we talked about how life isn’t fair and the sooner we learn that lesson the better off we will be. I explained that no matter how much or little we have, it will always be our inclination to want more. It’s in our nature. I shared that I’ve wasted years of my life wanting what other people have… and years of my life feeling guilt about the good things I’ve been given. It’s a conversation I will have with myself and my kids again and again.
On the way to Rainbow Springs Nature Center the other day a few of the kids were arguing in the back seat. My mom turned around and said “don’t make me yell at you like I did that time in Mebane.” I had no idea what she was talking about. I couldn’t even remember where Mebane was. . . All the kids started saying “oh yeah, that was crazy. I’d never heard Grammy yell like that.” They started rattling off all the details. “Remember mom... we were fighting and you started yelling at us and then you started crying and couldn’t stop... and then Grammy started yelling at us” I had no recollection of the event. . We were in Mebane for Christmas when Joe was getting treatment at Duke. We had planned to be in Nashville with my mom and niece, but at the last minute we decided to rent a cabin so that we could all be near my sister. After Christmas, Ben drove back to Nashville for work. The kids still had a time off before school started and I couldn’t get my head around going back. I was overwhelmingly sad. . . Instead of driving home, I decided (again, last minute) to surprise the kids and drive to Virginia, where I arranged to meet our old neighbors (from Delaware) at a farmhouse on the Chesapeake Bay. Apparently, the screaming and crying “incident” happened in the driveway right before we left. . . Hearing that story (and feeling as though it was a secondhand account) was sobering. Was I really that disconnected? Why couldn’t I remember anything about our time in Mebane… but I remember every detail about our time in Virginia? . . As we drove the rest of the way to Rainbow Springs I tried to recall details from other sad times in my life. No surprise, it was extremely difficult. Max was wondering why that was so frustrating to me. “Isn’t it good that you only remember the happy times?” I said, “Yes, it’s mostly good. But we can learn a lot from our history and our patterns.” . We all have things that we do when we can’t cope with reality. I take road trips, organize my garage and hit people on roller skates. I think there are probably other things that I am not ready to look at or talk about yet. Maybe another day.
It’s been exactly a year since my sisters husband died and almost four since our dad died. Yesterday my mom, sister and niece arrived in New Zealand. We ate tacos and had a unicorn dance party. This morning Ben went to work, Max and Maggie made crepes, we dropped my sister at the Polynesian Spa for a day on her own, my mom and I took the kids to Rainbow Springs Nature Park. . . This evening we picked up fish and chips and all went to the lake to celebrate the lives of two people we love. Yesterday (after my trip to the airport) our van broke down.  We all squeezed into a small car for a short trip to the lake. It was windy so we sat on the ground behind a picnic island, someone spilled wine and soda, I bought too many chips and not enough fish. . . We walked down the dock to spread ashes in the lake. We took turns pinching little bits of ash out of my sisters “travel urn” (as she affectionally refers to it). As usual, things were chaotic. People bumping and bumbling around and someone asked where my dad’s ashes were - Arleigh said “Papa’s over there.” We laughed, knowing that he would have too. . . As we drove home in the rain, each person shared what they miss about Joe and Papa. Some of us cried. We prayed and then drove the rest of the way quiet… packed into a tiny car like a bunch of clowns. We watched Elf and then put the kids to bed. . . It was a beautiful, painful, heavy, light, silly, sad day. Grief is different for all of us.
When I finally went into see the doctor about my toe, she was a little bit horrified that I hadn’t come in sooner (because it was so bruised and ugly). As she wrote my referrals we talked about how our family ended up in New Zealand. She asked me if we were happy here and I almost cried. . . I told her about all the little things we love about living here. The margin we have in our days, the time we have for our family, the feeling of not always being rushed and afraid. There is not a pervasive culture of fear in this country. There is time to think and be myself. I feel more light-hearted when I am here. . . When my doctor was reading my medical history she asked what I was taking bupropion hydrochloride for - Welbutrin is not commonly used to treat depression in New Zealand. In America is it like shelf candy. . . I explained that I have struggled with depression on and off for my whole adult life. I have lots of disciplines that I use to stay healthy - exercise (extreme sports), healthy diet, good friendships, prayer, and study groups. I have also taken Zoloft, Lexapro and Wellbutrin at different times in my life. Wellbutrin is the drug that I have had the most success with (I talk more about depression on health section of my instagram stories - that is where I do most of my talking these days). . . … and then I said “I am depressed because I know that we are going back to America someday.” It was a joke, but as soon as it came out I knew that it was true. . . I had a breakdown of epic proportions last month. I was more angry and more sad than I have ever been in my entire life. I got stuck in my head thinking about all the broken things. Fear, busyness and distraction is wining in America. It scares me to think about going back. . . #noteddetails #fear #busyness #distraction #depression #anxiety #time #rest #peace #courage #hope #love #sharethelove #notthehate
Last Friday I broke my toe. It was the same day that I went to the doctor to start back on antidepressants. (I talk more about that in the health section on my instagram stories). . I didn’t go to the doctor about my foot until today - six days later. Generally speaking, I wait too long to get help. That is a common theme for me. I knew it was broken and dislocated as soon as it happened. I popped it back in place and kept moving along. Business as usual. When Ben got home he had a look, said it was broken and told me the most likely course of treatment. I didn’t have time for the doctor. . . I do all sorts of “risky” things like roller derby, aggressive quad skating, mountain biking, and surfing. I jump off cliffs with my kids and do stupid acrobatic routines with my sister. I broke my toe getting out of the shower. Not what I would have expected. Also, it’s not a great time for me. My family arrives tomorrow and I have a million things that I want to show them. I was in denial. . . I hobbled around for the next six days, with a painful smile. I didn’t change anything in regards to my daily routine. I put my leg up when the pain got too bad. This morning when I woke up and my foot was purple and throbbing. I finally decided to pay it a little bit of attention. . I went to the doctor. It was broken. They did exactly what Ben said they would do. Nothing really changed, but two thing happened for me. One was physical and one was mental. . . The buddy tape that they used at the clinic was stronger than what I have been using at home. It was a small changes that made a big difference. The more significant thing that happened was mental. When I paid attention to this minor injury, it helped me to recognize a larger problem in my life. . . Far too often I push through things that I really should address. It is much easier to keep busy. I love adventure, activity and achievement - it’s who I am. It is also something that can distract me from other things. I don’t like to rest. . . #noteddetails #broken #rest #achievement #fear